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Page A22 SEPTEMBER 2017 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A
By Todd Van Beck
Personal
Examples Can Hinder
My experience in the use of personal examples is that
memories which hold great meaning for me might not
hold much meaning for others, so I have concluded that
as tempting as this activity might be it ought to be used
cautiously.
Personal example’s from a funeral career is not the same
thing as relying on experiential expertise as a professional
internal navigator and guide.
If the client family solicits these experiences the situa-
tion is thereby changed, and we may well choose to com-
ply with this request. But even then it is prudent to qualify
words with a remark such as: “This has worked for oth-
ers, but I can’t say whether it will work for you” or “This
helped other clients, but I wonder how you feel about it as
regards to yourself.” In this way, we indicate that it is the
client family who is central in the situation and that they
need not copy my example or anyone else’s examples. The
client family will also realize that we do not look upon our
experience or examples as necessarily providing the solu-
tion for them.
One great skill which contemporary funeral/cemetery
professionals have embraced and have I believe excelled at
is making suggestions. Let’s explore this a moment.
A suggestion is a mild form of advice. It is offering an
idea that another person has not thought of. Its overtones
tend to be tentative and vague. In it the funeral professional
proffers possible lines of actions. A suggestion does not de-
mand compliance nor threaten the client family with con-
sequences should they decide to not follow it through
Suggestion provides the client family with the funeral pro-
fessional’s considered opinions but leaves them free leeway
to accept, refuse, or propose ideas of their own. Indeed its
purpose may be to stimulate the client family to think and
plan for themselves. When this is the funeral profession-
al’s sincere intention, a suggestion communicates this si-
lent thought: I think my suggestion is a good one and may
work. It’s up to you, of course, to decide. If clearly stated as
a suggestion and genuinely intended as such, it is an open
form of communication rather than closed, it is provisional
rather than final.
Finally concerning suggestions two items loiter in the
background of too many funeral interviews and need to be
put to rest. The first is, “If I were you, I would…” The cli-
ent family’s reaction may well be: “Well, I just don’t believe
it. If you were me, you’d feel just as confused and unsure
as I do, and so there would be two of us, neither knowing
what to do.” “If you were me, you wouldn’t say that!” “If
you were me, you wouldn’t know what to do any more than
I do!”
The second point concerning suggestions needs only a
coup de grace in funeral service. His name is “I know just
how you feel and I did…” The client family thinks: “I’m
not taken in. How can you ‘know’ how I ‘feel?’ Is your child
also dead right now? And if you do know, so what?” “You
don’t feel the way I feel or you would never think of saying
that you know.”This funeral interview suggestion approach
is very cold and remote. If a funeral interviewer saying such
a thing has a mind, then they surely have no heart, and so
away with them is my vote.
What I do believe is that the funeral professional must
gently and quietly lead and question and make wise and
valid suggestions to such an extent that the role of the client
family is positively affected as the experience of their loss
and hopefully in the end expresses itself in meaning, but
what is meaningful for them – not us.
I have no mixed feelings about the attempt at encour-
agement in the funeral interview. The funeral professional
should avoid it like the plague. Here are several examples of
the interview plague: “Well, you know, everyone has to go
through this sooner or later.” “Every cloud has its silver lin-
ing, and by tomorrow morning you’ll feel much better.” “A
good night’s sleep always helps, so why don’t you try that?”
As ridiculous as these responses sound they nonetheless have
been used in funeral interviews in the past. This type of en-
couragement expressed to a client family is in the end belit-
tling to the professionalism which is expected from all fu-
neral professionals.
If we genuinely empathize with the client family, we can
let them know by our behavior that we are interested in
them and should be able to show this without getting in
their way. They will understand that we shall never know
just exactly how and what they feel but that as another hu-
man being we are trying our best to help them.
Keys to
Service
Todd Van Beck is a person who has had a half-century love affair
with both funeral and cemetery service. He willingly admits that he is
no “expert!” but also quickly admits that there is nothing about this
work and life that he does not enjoy, and have intense interest in.
Todd says: “I have never done a day’s work in my life, it has all been
fun and interesting.” Todd has been an active writer and speaker
internationally for many decades covering most every topic that is
relevant to our profession. Mr. Van Beck grew up in Southwestern
Iowa, and declared at the young age of 5 years old that he would
become a funeral director when he grew up. He is still growing up,
still learning, still trying to make some kind or worthy contribution to
his beloved profession. Todd has operated funeral homes, cemeteries
and mortuary colleges, and confesses that he has been a vagabond
throughout his career, simply because he wanted to see the world.
Todd is the Director of Continuing Education for the John A. Gupton
College in Nashville, and his wife, Georgia, R.N., is a Clinical Director
for Alive Hospice also in Nashville.
Funeral Home & Cemetery News
Contributors share insights and
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Hale-Sarver Remodeling Project
The Hale Guest House
the scope of this project. We have planned
and completed these projects in response to
the varied needs of our community.”
The 1,500-square-foot addition and up-
grade of the existing funeral home was com-
pleted in December 2016, and has been well
received by the public. The addition provides
more seating for guests, a larger lobby area,
fully handicapped-accessible restrooms, a
special “kid-friendly” area, and a large gather-
ing space for visiting guests and family mem-
bers. New comfortable semi-permanent seat-
ing in the existing chapel is another upgrade
to the home. The elimination of any steps or
ramps has allowed easier access for visitors,
with the entire home on one level and com-
pletely handicapped-accessible.
With Phase I now complete, Phase II of the
Hale-Sarver project will begin shortly. Af-
ter the recent removal of an older structure
at 276 N. Miami Street next to the funeral
home, Hale-Sarver is planning to construct a
park area. Sarver recently shared some details
of his vision of the project. “We are planning
a green space with a park to honor all veter-
ans and first responders of the communities
of the Union Township area. There will be
trees, flowers, benches, and tables, with the
thought that this will be a quiet spot for fami-
lies to reflect and remember.”
Also planned as part of Phase II are up-
dates and improvements to The Hale Guest
House. The Hale House, built in 2000, pro-
vides lodging for out-of-town family mem-
bers while at Hale-Sarver for funeral services.
These three guest rooms will still be available
on the second floor of the Hale House.
The downstairs of the Hale Guest House will
soon be converted to a reception and celebra-
tion of life center.This will be an area for fami-
lies to gather, in a convenient location next to
the funeral home, for a meal and fellowship
after funeral services for a loved one. The Hale
House reception center will be handicap-ac-
cessible and will also serve as a location for var-
ious community group meetings. “This new
reception center was also planned in response