Three columns into my series on criticism, I realize that the only way criticism can make us cringe is if we decide to let it. Please don’t take this the wrong way; how criticism is given is important too. As Mary Poppins says, “A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.” We just need to remember that the sugar isn’t what makes the medicine work, it is what makes the medicine more palatable.
    I think part of the reason we find criticism so unpalatable is because of how difficult it is to give mindful criticism. If you are asking yourself, “Mindful criticism, what is that?” I think it is what I have been exploring in the past two columns. So far I have come to understand that mindful criticism is when we look within ourselves to see what is driving our need to judge someone else. In a nutshell: we open ourselves up to our own imperfections that contribute to the problem before we open our mouths to tell someone else how they must change, so that we may grow from the criticism we give. While writing this column I have come to realize that the same mindful principles apply to how we receive criticism.
    It doesn’t matter how constructive criticism is if we are unable to let the message help us grow. Even if someone tells us what we are doing right, how they know we can do what they are asking, and how much they value us…we can still hear this as: it is all you, the problem and the solution are on your shoulders. If we take their words at face value, even if they say they are here to help, they are still saying: “You are the one that is causing the problem and you are the only one that needs fixing.”
    From this perspective how can their criticism, no matter how “constructive,” not make us cringe? All we hear is that no matter what we do, how hard we try, we are still falling short and they know we can do more. Even if they tell us how their own inabilities contribute to the problem and they use their critique to ask for our help. We will still cringe if our internal critic only lets us hear how we are letting everyone down because of how unable we are. No matter how much sugar someone adds to the criticism they give us it is how we process it that determines how much it will help us grow.
    Even if criticism is given in the heat of frustration with loud and volatile words, there is still a way to hear the message and not cringe. We can put ourselves in their shoes and realize when someone is so unhinged that we are only feeling a touch of their hiccup. We can realize that we cannot imagine the difficulties they are facing in their lives, go beyond the emotional outburst, and ask ourselves: how can we help? What can we do to help alleviate their stress so that they can help us grow?
    I look forward to learning how you add sugar to the criticism you give and receive. Please give me a ring at 781-331-5308, email me at Kristan@mooneytunco.com, or better yet, join in the conversation on the Let’s Chat Blog.