August 2017

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Page A22 AUGUST 2017 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A
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By Todd Van Beck
Silence
Every day we hear many people talking. In fact
it seems a safe observation to assert that talking
people, nonstop talking people are literally every-
where.
Because of this cultural state of our addiction
to talking, bringing up the value of silence might
strike many as odd and strange. What can a human
being possibly find valuable in silence, and how in
the world does this apply to our profession?
There are many kinds of silences. Given our cur-
rent penchant to engage in constant talking, silenc-
es usually make people uncomfortable and hence
their discomfort is corrected by talking, whether
they have something to say or not.
My experience has been that most beginning fu-
neral/cemetery interviewers find silence difficult
to bear. They innocently seem to think that if it
occurs, they are at fault and the lapse should be
remedied at once. They ought to be saying some-
thing, and something profound!
They regard silence as a breach of professional et-
iquette that must be corrected on the spot. I know
this happened to me in my early years. In time
most funeral interviewers learn to differentiate be-
tween silences, to appreciate and react to them dif-
ferently, but this is an acquired skill, and unfortu-
nately some don’t ever get it.
There are as mentioned before different kinds of
silence. For example, there is the silence of a client
family member that may require additional silence
from us to help them and we also sort out thoughts
and feelings. Respect, understanding and tolerance
for this silence is more beneficial than any words
from the funeral/cemetery professional.
Occasionally a silence arises, the cause of which
is quite clear to the funeral professional. The cli-
ent family may have related something so heart-
warming, so tragic, so shocking, or so frightening,
that both partners feel the need to absorb it to the
depths in mutual silence – and this is indeed the ap-
propriate thing to do. If after such a silence the cli-
ent family still finds it difficult to continue, a com-
ment such as, “It must have been a heartwarming
experience for you” or “I don’t know what to say, I
am so terribly sorry” will often help them pick up
the threads again.
Another cause of silence is confusion. You, as the
funeral/cemetery professional, will have to act to al-
leviate the tension in a manner appropriate to the
situation and to your own appraisal of it.
For instance: “What I said just now seems to have
caused confusion.” Most likely this will elicit a re-
sponse. The sure approach is that confused silence
on the part of the client family requires immediate
action on the part of the funeral professional.
The silence of client resistance is something else
again. Some client families may see in you and I an
authority figure to be opposed or avoided. The fu-
neral professional may well find this type of silence
the hardest to deal with because he or she may tend
to feel rejected, opposed, and thwarted.
For several years in my career I was employed by a
funeral director named John B. Turner from Cedar
Rapids, Iowa. We served approximately 800 families
a year. Because of the number of services we han-
dled arrangements the “Turner way.” This meant
taking vital statistics, setting up service times, and
selling merchandise. One day I went into the of-
fice to start making arrangements with a family. I
sat down, did my standard preliminaries and started
on the vital statistics. “What was your mother’s full
name?” I asked. Dead silence. I silently thought,
“Well here we go once again.” I told them that this
might have been a difficult question, and we would
come back to it later. I then asked “When was your
mother born?” Again they said nothing absolute si-
lence. My next thought was “You are in a pickle,
Todd!” I had no clue what to do except to just wing
it, and make it up as I went – this was not covered
in Mortuary College.
Making it up as I went I said, “I can see that there
is a problem. If you wish I can leave the room and
you can talk it out in private, or you can come back
later, or you can share your issue with me, or I can
ask another funeral director to come in and serve
you.”
In my wildest dreams I never thought they would
take me up on my last option about getting anoth-
er funeral director, but that is just what they did.
For some reason they did not like Todd Van Beck.
Their rejection of me almost made me throw up. I
was sick about it for days. The other funeral direc-
tor who ended up serving them used to walk by me
and whisper “They liked me better than you” which
was absolutely true!
The critical point of this reflection is that their si-
lence was indeed a clear message directed at me and
I missed it by being too concerned with getting done
what I wanted done. I learned some tremendous les-
sons from this type of silence and some of the les-
sons were: I had better use open-ended questions
and focus on trust and rapport before I do anything
else; another lesson: I cannot be all things to all peo-
ple.
Inevitably both the client family and the funeral
professional will sometimes speak at the same mo-
ment and both then retreat with apologies and en-
couragements to the other to continue. This can be
awkward, and a bit of humor (be very careful with
this) may assist us. We can interject a short remark:
“I’m sorry, go ahead.” Frequently just a smile with
an encouraging nod will be sufficient.
With all this however there still exists the world of
the cemetery, the world of the mortuary. Our world
confronts life, but also honestly confronts death, its
reality, and its consequences. Silence certainly does
have a valuable position as being one of the Keys of
Service in our vocation.
Keys to
Service
Todd Van Beck is a person who has had a half-century love affair
with both funeral and cemetery service. He willingly admits that he is
no “expert!” but also quickly admits that there is nothing about this
work and life that he does not enjoy, and have intense interest in.
Todd says: “I have never done a day’s work in my life, it has all been
fun and interesting.” Todd has been an active writer and speaker
internationally for many decades covering most every topic that is
relevant to our profession. Mr. Van Beck grew up in Southwestern
Iowa, and declared at the young age of 5 years old that he would
become a funeral director when he grew up. He is still growing up,
still learning, still trying to make some kind or worthy contribution to
his beloved profession. Todd has operated funeral homes, cemeteries
and mortuary colleges, and confesses that he has been a vagabond
throughout his career, simply because he wanted to see the world.
Todd is the Director of Continuing Education for the John A. Gupton
College in Nashville, and his wife, Georgia, R.N., is a Clinical Director
for Alive Hospice also in Nashville.
Funeral Home & Cemetery News
Contributors share insights and
exchange ideas. B
Phaneuf Funeral Homes & Crematorium Wins BBB
Torch Award for Marketplace Ethics
MANCHESTER,NH— In a ceremony at the Bedford Vil-
lage Inn, the Better Business Bureau awarded Phaneuf Fu-
neral Homes and Crematorium with the 2017 Torch
Award for Marketplace Ethics, the award they bestow on
the most ethical businesses in New Hampshire.
According to Howard Brodsky, Chairman of the BBB
and CEO of CCA Global Partners, out of the many
outstanding applications submitted, Phaneuf Funeral
Homes best embodied the spirit of the award. Phaneuf
won in the Medium-Sized
Business category.
“We are honored and
humbled to be one of this
year’s winners, and to be in
the company of the many
great businesses who have
won this award,” said Bud-
dy Phaneuf, President of
Phaneuf Funeral Homes.
“In an industry that serves
people at their most vul-
nerable, ethics is a critical
component of success.”
Six years ago, Phaneuf Funeral Homes embarked on an
ambitious journey: to apply for the Granite State Quality
Council Award, which is based upon the Malcolm Bald-
rige National Quality Program. The application process
took 18 months. “Going through that process, we realized
there were significant opportunities for improvement in
our organization for creating procedures, and developing
metrics, as it related to ethical standards,” Phaneuf said.
“We emerged a more ethically-focused company for our
stakeholders and in the end were awarded the Achieve-
ment of Excellence by the Counsel.” Phaneuf Funeral
Homes is the only NH Company ever to achieve this lev-
el. “The process taught me how corporate and social ethi-
cal responsibility play such important roles in becoming
a best-in-class organization,” Phaneuf said.
Phaneuf Funeral Homes and Crematorium has been
serving the public since 1906 and is one of the oldest
continually-owned family funeral homes in New Hamp-
shire. Phaneuf is the largest provider of funeral services in
the state, and operates three full service funeral homes,
two crematories, two non-denominational chapels and a
cremation society. Visit for additional
information.