It is fascinating to realize that most experienced funeral directors use many psychological and counseling interviewing techniques that therapists use every day. The process of using exploration in the funeral interview is a prime example of this.
Exploring with our families is most often the main body of the funeral interview. Much time is spent mutually exploring and translating what is meaningful to that family. These translations are worth exploring, and they just might be valuable to you!
I believe most funeral directors excel at having and using a myriad of life experiences in the funeral interview whether they are aware of this resource or not.
Help yourself by using your past funeral interviews as guideposts – think about them, discuss them with other funeral colleagues and supervisors. Possibly taping and listening to your own interviews and those of others. In other words systematize your life experience, and make that system part of your life-long learning.
Every funeral interview certainly should be different. If we get stuck in routine habits the consequences can be extremely distasteful to both the funeral professional and the bereaved family, resulting in a domino effect creating a diluted and shallow overall ceremonial and ritualistic experience. In our profession this is never good.
It is appropriate at this juncture to mention a few words about the easily untapped wisdom of the veteran funeral professional.
We live in a time that seems to worship youth. Worshipping of the young, while trendy and attractive, has inherent risks attached, particularly when we are exploring something as important, dramatic, and sensitive as the consequences of the death of a human being.
In the critically important step of funeral interview exploration the veteran funeral professionals have one great advantage over their youthful compatriots. The funeral road is not new to the veteran, in fact, they are still on it, and it is still taking them places. The risk of youth is they sometimes think that the funeral rules have changed. In many ways they have, but the veteran is keenly aware of the risks involved in moving too fast, too quick and in fiddling with customs and community standards simply based in the immature notion of just changing things.
There is an old Iowa farm saying: “Better not take the fence down before you understand why it was put up in the first place.” Changing things simply for the sake of change often translates in going from nothing to nothing.
The wealth of knowledge and wisdom that most veteran funeral professionals possess needs to be shared with the youth who are entering funeral service.
The funeral experience is a journey not a destination.
I would like to share an account of one of the many boneheaded mistakes that I have made in my life and career. The only comforting aspect of this story is that it happened 45 years ago!
I worked for a veteran funeral director who was highly respected and beloved in our community. Looking back I realize he possessed some magnificent gifts. He was a master at exploring with other human beings. While he never called it exploring, he was highly skilled at asking good questions, and then being still, and allowing the exploring process to take its course.
We were called out on a suicide. When we arrived at the residence it was clear the poor man had taken his own life. I hadn’t been exposed to many suicides and was unnerved by what I saw and what I was asked to do – but step up to the plate I did, because I wanted to be a good funeral director.
My job during the calling hours was to be the attendant at the front door, a job I loved (anyway back then I did). Standing there in my dark suit, trying desperately to look highly dignified, my chronic acne always gave away my youth.
My employer had been in and out of the chapel all afternoon, and I noticed that he really didn’t say much. However the widow couldn’t stop talking.
My employer notified me that he had to step out for a moment and do a personal errand. I was given strict instructions to watch my p’s and q’s, which was code to keep my mouth shut.
I well remember the moment I saw his car leave the parking lot and I had a very stupid and dangerous thought, “I am now in charge!” I started strutting around the funeral home like I was the Archduke of Death. Today I am embarrassed to think how ridiculous I looked and acted.
The widow of the decedent came to me and with tears running down her cheeks asks me, “Why do you think he did it?”
I proceeded to tell her straight away why I thought he did it. I was a kid talking, it was insensitive, it was highly opinionated, it was unkind, and looking back it was totally unnecessary, because in truth I wasn’t in the least interested in exploring anything with her – hell I didn’t even know what exploring was, even though I had watched my employer doing it with her all afternoon.
My employer returned and the widow pulled him aside. I stood by the front door knowing by the look on his face and the blood draining from his lips, that I was in big, big trouble.
After the widow left my employer motioned me to his office. I hated those moments in my life, but in truth I deserved most anything he was going to say to me. Instead of a scolding, he looked at me and said, “Todd you are terribly young. Next time just listen, and then walk with them. Ask them questions, but keep your high level opinions to yourself. The funeral experience is a journey not a destination.”
He was talking about taking the time and being sensitive to the process of exploring with another human being. He didn’t use the word “exploration” but that is precisely what he was talking about.
Possessing old-fashioned insights, approaches and ethics does not mean that a veteran funeral director cannot embrace the new memorial concepts like eternal reefs, or memory glass for instance. Likewise possessing youth does not automatically translate into high level creativity, and non-conformist risk taking. To say anything akin to this notion is just making a thoughtless sweeping comment about both groups of professionals which is just not true.
As time goes on in the development of your funeral interview you will perhaps discover a pattern, your own style. This will take shape because of the way you feel inside and hence how you function, regardless of your age.
Discovering, examining, and deciding what to keep and what to change in your own funeral interview exploring pattern will provide the sort of professional and personal growth that, I feel, will be most meaningful for you.
Remember we cannot change anything about our client families. We can only improve on our own skills and attitudes. Remember also that while books, seminars, writings, and speeches on the importance of exploring life issues with another human being are extremely helpful and valuable – the greatest value to help that any funeral professional has is what is in their hearts. This I believe is true for the simple reason that in the end all funeral service is a matter of the heart.
Exploring with the client family means listening and gently responding to what they are saying and feeling. It means enabling them to express themselves fully. This can and does require genuine interest and positive regard.
In the funeral interview this means following them rather than asking them to follow us, while at the same time keeping the interview moving ahead.
The issue of control versus exploration in the funeral interview is of utmost importance in inspiring funeral professionals to move ahead and genuinely connect with the contemporary expectations of the modern consumer.