The funeral experience can be viewed as being sacred and so possesses such overtones. With this the quality and character of the funeral professional becomes of profound importance. This unique situation brings the question of, what do we bring with us, as funeral professionals, that may help or otherwise affect the bereaved client or client’s one way or another? This is quite the question to tackle.
The funeral professional ought to bring to the funeral interview and funeral experience just as much of our own selves as we possibly can, stopping, of course, at the point at which this may hamper the bereaved client family or deny them the help they need.
Feeling within ourselves that we genuinely wish to help a bereaved person as much as possible and that there is nothing at the moment more important to us – this I believe is priceless substance for all funeral professionals to embrace. This ability to feel within ourselves is a critical asset for every funeral interviewer to possess.
What we are exploring here is what could easily be called the high substantive funeral service ideals. Most of us (myself included) cannot realize immediately upon reflection what this encompasses, but this natural reaction is never a good reason not to set ourselves on the quest to try to delve into what makes a great funeral director versus what makes the average director.
When the customer/family perceives that we are doing our very best (this is the invisible and silent key), it will be meaningful to them and prove helpful. They will take away from the funeral interview and experience, the authentic feeling that we as funeral professionals may be trusted as a people and the conviction that we as funeral professionals respect them as a person(s).
Trust in the funeral professional by the client family and the conviction that the funeral professional respects them is of the greatest importance. Without this, to be sure, the standard old style “funeral arrangement” procedure will get finished, but other than this, little that is really positive or of a lasting impression will be accomplished.
Our saying the mere words, “I can be trusted” and/or “I fully respect you” will certainly not help if the bereaved client does not sense this to be true. I think it is the establishing of trust and respect that those who teach and write in the field of personal relations are most often referring to when they speak of “contact,” “good rapport” “good relationship” and “connecting”. Trust requires constant work because of its critical importance in this connecting process.
The good news is that funeral professionals have ample statistical information to back up the known fact that funeral people do connect in a trusting and respecting manner most often. For years none other than the Gallup Poll has asked the American public to rank the top ten most ethical and honest professionals in their community and funeral directors have always been included in the Top 10 list. Interestingly I have found that the audience who is most skeptical about this statistic are funeral professionals themselves!
The experience of trust has a powerful and intangible aspect to it, which is determined most by the simple old-fashioned human interest you and I take in what the client family is saying and by understanding their feelings and attitudes.
We communicate this or the lack thereof, constantly, by diverse and frequently subtle nonverbal cues that the client family may be more aware of than we ourselves are. Of course our facial expressions reveal a great deal – this is nothing new. Our bodily gestures contribute to the picture as well. The tone of our voice is heard by the client family, and they decide whether it matches our words or whether they are a mask that the tone of our voice exposes, whispering, “Sham, phony, or beware!” For better or for worse, we are definitely exposed to the client family; and nearly everything we do or leave undone is noted and weighed.
And so we come back to ourselves. What of ourselves do we bring to the funeral interview and experience? Oddly we are the only known in the entire funeral equation. We cannot do anything about our bereaved client families – they are who they are. However we can always do something about ourselves. We can always be aware and sensitive to continually improving, by being a lifelong student of our beloved profession; embracing absolutely everything and anything that has something to do with funeral service.
Here then are some suggestions, guidelines if you will, which will help in the funeral director connecting trust and respect in our arrangement conferences.
• Funeral professionals are people you can to talk to.
• Funeral professionals offer people something to do.
• Funeral professionals give people ways to express feelings.
• Funeral professionals give people something to hold on to.
• Funeral professionals give people something to believe in.
• Communicate. Never cross-examine.
• Maintain friendly and interested attitudes.
• Abstain from revealing your own attitude.
• Keep your personal problems out of the funeral interview.
• Avoid a patronizing or detached attitude.
• Avoid gossiping.
• Avoid giving the impression that you are pressed for time.
• Attend exclusively to the client by blocking out all outside interferences.
• Be alert to the feelings which the client is expressing and feeling.
This is not a complete list, but, as with all skill improvements it is a beginning. Explore this list, and see if your connection with bereaved families in the areas of trust and respect does not enter a deeper substantive level. It is worth the time and effort.