So often in our business we are only with a family during the initial days following a death and see their raw grief without ever knowing how they are doing after the funeral and burial are over. Running grief support programs allows you to be with people as the months and years unfold following the death of their loved one and see them embrace life once again. It can be extremely satisfying to stay in touch with the families you have served and be a part of their transition into their “new life.”
I have personally witnessed so many positive transformations and seen the resilience of the human spirit to live through loss. I recall the widow of sixty-three years who came to me shaking and unable to eat. She was rail thin and cried throughout group. A year later she was our group’s rock who welcomed the newly bereaved and encouraged them with her words of hope and healing. Even today she attends group regularly in order to share the wisdom her journey through grief has given to her. She reminds them that they will never get over grief, they will get on with life.
Most of the people who attend grief support groups receive the validation they are seeking that they are not alone and that their feelings are normal. Together they wrestle with the deep questions of who they are now that they are no longer a “husband,” a “wife,” a “parent,” or a “caretaker.” They discuss how they will now find meaning in each day and find a reason to wake up each morning. Some begin to volunteer their time while others take up a new hobby or re-visit an old one. Some attend more than one group, some seek out new friendships and some call one another and make plans for lunch or a day trip in the area together. This is what occurs with those who are committed to learning how to live with the loss and live for each day.
There are, however, a small group of folks who are determined to be miserable the rest of their lives. They say things like, “It never gets better and only seems to get worse as the years go by.” You may hear them mutter, “I will never be happy again.” You or your staff will know them as the people who call in complaints in such a way that you understand their grief is still as raw as the day their loved one died. You learn to tread lightly with them and reassure them that you understand their pain and that you will take care of their issue right away. Some you will be able to make happy, others will remain dissatisfied no matter how you try to make it right. It can be trying to speak with them as they may challenge you, yell at you or dismiss your sincere efforts to help. They are seeking a reason to remain unhappy and they use your business to justify their agenda. With this small minority of people, all you can do is be patient, be willing to listen, try to understand and do the best you can to meet their needs. There is a saying: You can choose to be right or you can choose to be kind…choose to be kind. When handling this client, it is best to embrace them with your empathy and know that grief has no time table.
When working with these individuals in grief support programs, you learn to accept that if they are not a danger to themselves or others, then they have the right to their misery. You cannot force someone to accept help or to seek the joy that is present in each day. There is no magic formula you can give to them to help them learn to adjust to life without their loved one. You can suggest, but not require them to see a therapist. It can be disheartening to want to help lead someone from the darkness, have the tools to guide them, but be turned down or sent away. Accepting that you cannot reach everyone, but you can meet everyone where they are at, is a powerful act of acceptance. It will help to ease your sense of “failing” them or need to help when it is not wanted. Just being present and reminding people that there is always hope for a better feeling future may be enough.
The success of a grief support group should not and is not be measured by the number of people you touch. Your success is measured in how you touch them!