September 2021

Page A8 SEPTEMBER 2021 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS Se c t i on A By Linda Findlay Aftercare THE FAMILY MEETING The family meeting process has been used success- fully by family units to establish and maintain an ele- vated level of communication based upon honesty and openness in the disclosure of feelings. This process will work with any family unit of two or more people. To be effective, all adult children should be invited, it just doesn’t work if any member is excluded. The Family Meeting Process 1. Select a sacred time that’s agreeable to all family members. It is essential the sacred time be hon- ored; all other family and individual activities must be planned around this time. Keeping this sacred time is a covenant by each individual which gives honor to the importance of the family unit. 2. The family meeting is held once a week at the agreed upon sacred time. 3. Family members will take turns convening the meeting. The convener will begin the meeting by sharing his/her own reality with other family mem- bers. This self-disclosure is designed to include all positive and negative feelings. For example: • “This is my hurt, my pain…” • “I am feeling guilty for having done…” • “I feel angry when…” • “I feel proud of myself for…” • “This is the space I am in right now…” It is extremely important that the person sharing only talk of his or her own feelings. This is not the time to talk about others, nor is this the time to lecture, preach or gripe. I call this “staying in your own circle.” 4. No one is allowed to interrupt the one who is disclosing him or herself. Other family members must listen until it is their turn to share. 5. When the first person is finished sharing, the next person is not to answer or defend against feelings previously shared by another, but begins to share his or her direct feelings. 6. This process continues uninterrupted until all have shared. Linda Findlay is the founder of Mourning Discoveries, Grief Support Services. She is a 29-year career Aftercare Coordinator, a published author, and an advocate for bereaved families. She is the founder and co-creator of The Grief Cruises and manag- ing partner with The International Grief Institute. Linda can be reached at 315-725-6132 or Lf6643@yahoo.com. Visit www.mourningdiscoveries.com , www.thegriefcruises.com or www.internationalgriefinstitute.com. FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS www.nomispublications.com Monthly Columns online at 7. When all family members have finished sharing, a discussion period is held only for the purpose of clarification. It is important to keep this time free from advice, argument and problem solving. Stick only to clarifying what was heard to be certain it was what the other person really meant to convey. For example: • “I heard you say…does that mean you were…” • “I didn’t understand what you meant when you said…” • “Please repeat…I’m not sure I really under- stood you.” In the event of a disagreement or fight, no one is allowed to leave the room until an agreement has been reached which is satisfactory to all family mem- bers. Difficulties can be solved by honest conversa- tion which honors each person’s individual feelings. Fighting is not necessarily bad. If the fighting is fair, communication continues. The real enemy of com- munication and relating is silence. Remember: • Never attack. Keep the focus on self, using “I” state- ments. I feel, I sense, I think, I will… • Repeat everything you think you hear to the person who said it. “I heard you say…” Then listen for the confirmation. • Regardless of how foreign to your own ideas and val- ues, take everything that is said seriously. Making light of another’s honest feelings is a devastating put- down. This process is not intended to solve individu- al problems which are best served by qualified thera- pists. It is an excellent means of how to use openness and honesty to help nurture the family unit by pro- moting self-disclosure and the art of listening. These family meetings can be useful as adult children and their surviving parent navigate their way through their grief journey and find their new purpose and path in life! Adult Children and the Loss of a Parent No matter the age that a child is when a parent dies, grief will be experienced relative to the age of the child and where they are in life at the time of the loss, along with many other factors. Age and where we are in life have much to do with how much support is available and provided and what the sources of support are. For this month’s article, I have purposely chosen to focus on “adult” children who have lost a parent. I have talked to many surviving parents with children of all ages. The first thing that I think about is how old the child is when the loss occurred. Sometimes children, adult children included, may feel left out and aban- doned. Caring family and friends tend to the needs of the surviving parent. Adult children can get lost in the shuffle! They also find themselves not only dealing with their own grief, they often worry about how the surviv- ing parent will deal with their grief. Added to this, adult children may be concerned with how mom or dad will manage their day-to-day tasks. In one respect, children want mom or dad to feel better and be able to move on. Adult children come to a point when they truly want for mom or dad to start a new life, to keep busy and stay involved with a social life. But… getting to that point can be hard for some families. As much as adult children want for mom or dad to be hap- py and get on with their lives, it is also very difficult to see their parent take an interest in someone else. There is no better situation that fully displays how families do not grieve together. This is true in any circumstance. Each family mem- ber grieves for the loss of what their relationship was and how intertwined their lives were with the parent. I might also mention that sometimes children whose lives were less intertwined have a harder time adjusting. There may be more feelings of guilt or anger. One of the suggestions that I have shared with families is to consider having a family meeting. Family meetings can be helpful in creating the time and space for fam- ilies to come together and to have an opportunity to share their experience of grief and their own thoughts and feelings. You are welcome to share the information and use it how you see fit! 1-888-792-9315 • mymortuarycooler.com NASHVILLE, TN BOOTH #545 BATON ROUGE,LA— Gov. John Bel Edwards recently announced his appointments to the Lou- isiana State Board of Embalmers and Funeral Di- rectors. Stephen G. Boudreaux, regional manager, Legacy Funeral Group, Duson, District C; Wil- lie P. Davis Jr., co-owner, Davis Mortuary Ser- vices, Gretna reappointed to District A; Terry R. Luneau, assistant manager, Hixson Brothers Fu- neral Home, Alexandria reappointed to District Governor makes Appointments to Louisiana State Board of Embalmers and Funeral Directors B; Gregory J. McKneely, manager, McKneely Fu- neral Home, Amite and Kentwood, District D; Duplain W. Rhodes III, owner, D. W. Rhodes Funeral Homes, New Orleans reappointed to District A; and Maurice Southall, owner, Williams and Southall Funeral Home, Plattenville has been reappointed to represent District D. Send Us Your News! We welcome news of the industry. info@NomisPublications.com FAx 1-800-321-9040 PO Box 5159, Youngstown, OH 44514 CALL 1-800-321-7479 Send us information on your School, Firm, or Association today! FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS