March 2017

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Page A22 MARCH 2017 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A
Todd Van Beck is a person who has had a half-century love affair
with both funeral and cemetery service. He willingly admits that he is
no “expert!” but also quickly admits that there is nothing about this
work and life that he does not enjoy, and have intense interest in.
Todd says: “I have never done a day’s work in my life, it has all been
fun and interesting.” Todd has been an active writer and speaker
internationally for many decades covering most every topic that is
relevant to our profession. Mr. Van Beck grew up in Southwestern
Iowa, and declared at the young age of 5 years old that he would
become a funeral director when he grew up. He is still growing up,
still learning, still trying to make some kind or worthy contribution to
his beloved profession. Todd has operated funeral homes, cemeteries
and mortuary colleges, and confesses that he has been a vagabond
throughout his career, simply because he wanted to see the world.
Todd is the Director of Continuing Education for the John A. Gupton
College in Nashville, and his wife, Georgia, R.N., is a Clinical Director
for Alive Hospice also in Nashville.
By Todd Van Beck
Exploration
It is fascinating to realize that most experienced funer-
al directors use many psychological and counseling inter-
viewing techniques that therapists use every day. The pro-
cess of using exploration in the funeral interview is a prime
example of this.
Exploring with our families is most often the main body
of the funeral interview. Much time is spent mutually ex-
ploring and translating what is meaningful to that family.
These translations are worth exploring, and they just might
be valuable to you!
I believe most funeral directors excel at having and using
a myriad of life experiences in the funeral interview wheth-
er they are aware of this resource or not.
Help yourself by using your past funeral interviews as
guideposts – think about them, discuss them with other
funeral colleagues and supervisors. Possibly taping and lis-
tening to your own interviews and those of others. In other
words systematize your life experience, and make that sys-
tem part of your life-long learning.
Every funeral interview certainly should be different. If
we get stuck in routine habits the consequences can be ex-
tremely distasteful to both the funeral professional and the
bereaved family, resulting in a domino effect creating a di-
luted and shallow overall ceremonial and ritualistic experi-
ence. In our profession this is never good.
It is appropriate at this juncture to mention a few words
about the easily untapped wisdom of the veteran funeral
professional.
We live in a time that seems to worship youth. Worship-
ping of the young, while trendy and attractive, has inherent
risks attached, particularly when we are exploring some-
thing as important, dramatic, and sensitive as the conse-
quences of the death of a human being.
In the critically important step of funeral interview explo-
ration the veteran funeral professionals have one great ad-
vantage over their youthful compatriots. The funeral road
is not new to the veteran, in fact, they are still on it, and it
is still taking them places. The risk of youth is they some-
times think that the funeral rules have changed. In many
ways they have, but the veteran is keenly aware of the risks
involved in moving too fast, too quick and in fiddling with
customs and community standards simply based in the im-
mature notion of just changing things.
There is an old Iowa farm saying: “Better not take the
fence down before you understand why it was put up in the
first place.” Changing things simply for the sake of change
often translates in going from nothing to nothing.
The wealth of knowledge and wisdom that most veter-
an funeral professionals possess needs to be shared with the
youth who are entering funeral service.
The funeral experience is a journey not a destination.
I would like to share an account of one of the many bone-
headed mistakes that I have made in my life and career. The
only comforting aspect of this story is that it happened 45
years ago!
I worked for a veteran funeral director who was highly re-
spected and beloved in our community. Looking back I realize
he possessed some magnificent gifts. He was a master at explor-
ing with other human beings. While he never called it explor-
ing, he was highly skilled at asking good questions, and then
being still, and allowing the exploring process to take its course.
We were called out on a suicide. When we arrived at the
residence it was clear the poor man had taken his own life. I
hadn’t been exposed to many suicides and was unnerved by
what I saw and what I was asked to do – but step up to the
plate I did, because I wanted to be a good funeral director.
My job during the calling hours was to be the attendant at
the front door, a job I loved (anyway back then I did). Stand-
ing there in my dark suit, trying desperately to look highly
dignified, my chronic acne always gave away my youth.
My employer had been in and out of the chapel all after-
noon, and I noticed that he really didn’t say much. However
the widow couldn’t stop talking.
My employer notified me that he had to step out for a mo-
ment and do a personal errand. I was given strict instruc-
tions to watch my p’s and q’s, which was code to keep my
mouth shut.
I well remember the moment I saw his car leave the park-
ing lot and I had a very stupid and dangerous thought, “I
am now in charge!” I started strutting around the funeral
home like I was the Archduke of Death. Today I am embar-
rassed to think how ridiculous I looked and acted.
The widow of the decedent came to me and with tears run-
ning down her cheeks asks me, “Why do you think he did it?”
I proceeded to tell her straight away why I thought he did
it. I was a kid talking, it was insensitive, it was highly opin-
ionated, it was unkind, and looking back it was totally un-
necessary, because in truth I wasn’t in the least interested in
exploring anything with her – hell I didn’t even know what
exploring was, even though I had watched my employer do-
ing it with her all afternoon.
My employer returned and the widow pulled him aside. I
stood by the front door knowing by the look on his face and
the blood draining from his lips, that I was in big, big trouble.
After the widow left my employer motioned me to his of-
fice. I hated those moments in my life, but in truth I de-
served most anything he was going to say to me. Instead of
a scolding, he looked at me and said, “Todd you are terribly
young. Next time just listen, and then walk with them. Ask
them questions, but keep your high level opinions to your-
self. The funeral experience is a journey not a destination.”
He was talking about taking the time and being sensitive
to the process of exploring with another human being. He
didn’t use the word “exploration” but that is precisely what
he was talking about.
Possessing old-fashioned insights, approaches and ethics
does not mean that a veteran funeral director cannot em-
brace the new memorial concepts like eternal reefs, or mem-
ory glass for instance. Likewise possessing youth does not
automatically translate into high level creativity, and non-
conformist risk taking. To say anything akin to this notion
is just making a thoughtless sweeping comment about both
groups of professionals which is just not true.
As time goes on in the development of your funeral in-
terview you will perhaps discover a pattern, your own style.
This will take shape because of the way you feel inside and
hence how you function, regardless of your age.
Discovering, examining, and deciding what to keep and
what to change in your own funeral interview exploring pat-
tern will provide the sort of professional and personal growth
that, I feel, will be most meaningful for you.
Remember we cannot change anything about our client
families. We can only improve on our own skills and atti-
tudes. Remember also that while books, seminars, writings,
and speeches on the importance of exploring life issues with
another human being are extremely helpful and valuable – the
greatest value to help that any funeral professional has is what
is in their hearts. This I believe is true for the simple reason
that in the end all funeral service is a matter of the heart.
Exploring with the client family means listening and gen-
tly responding to what they are saying and feeling. It means
enabling them to express themselves fully. This can and does
require genuine interest and positive regard.
In the funeral interview this means following them rather
than asking them to follow us, while at the same time keep-
ing the interview moving ahead.
The issue of control versus exploration in the funeral in-
terview is of utmost importance in inspiring funeral profes-
sionals to move ahead and genuinely connect with the con-
temporary expectations of the modern consumer.
Keys to
Service
Psychotherapist Writes Book with Son
Three Years after His Death
PORTLAND,ME— A consummate stu-
dent of spirituality and a licensed, prac-
ticing psychotherapist, Melody Boulton
lost her son, Devon, at 23 years old, to a
rare and aggressive lung disease.
In her new book, Amazing Adventures
with Dev, Boulton shares the story of
her strong connection with her son, in
this heartwarming and spiritually-charged
guide to life after loss and testament to the
transformative power of love.
“Devon and I always had a deep connec-
tion, sustained by a unique, spiritual dimen-
sion of love,” Boulton said. “Since he left his
physical body, our bond and communica-
tion continue to manifest in joyful, light-
hearted, loving and amazing experiences
that led to the writing of this book.”
Boulton has been a psychotherapist for
more than 30 years. Her hope, in shar-
ing her and Devon’s story, is to help others
dealing with grief and loss and to give them
hope that death is merely a transition, and
not the end of something.
“Our story will give people the oppo rtunity
to engage with a powerful spiritual journey,
while also getting to know Dev as he was in
earthly life,” Boulton said.
Melody Boulton received her bachelor’s degree
from The University of Massachusetts and her
master’s from Lesley College. She is a practicing
psychotherapist, with over 30 years of experience.
Boulton is a long-term student of The Diamond
Approach spiritual school. She has worked as a
hospice nurse, teaching staff on the subjects of be-
havioral health and death and dying.
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