September 2020

Page A20 SEPTEMBER 2020 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A The Dangers of Compound Isolation By Herb Knoll “How has everyone been dealing with the loneliness, espe- cially in this socially distancing world?” Jeremy asked this ques- tion, a member of theWidowers Support Network –Members Only, a ministry on Facebook for grieving men who have lost their soulmate. The responses to Jeremy’s question ranged from “It’s almost indescribable,” by Stephen, to Bill, who wrote, “I’ve tried the dating sites and haven’t had any luck. I just know I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Add to this challenge how men aren’t the best at developing friendships, resulting in a lack of those who could represent their support group. Wives frequently double as the head of the family’s social calendar. After the wife dies, the men are left to fend for themselves, often without success. The cou- ples you use to chum around with, frequently fail to include the newly minted widower in future gatherings. One widow- er shared with me how his best friend stops inviting him over because he was fearful the widower would hit on his wife. Is it any wonder widowers resort to climbing into their bun- ker while saying, “I’mfine, leave me alone withmy thoughts?” Widowed men widely hold this misguided view. In reality, widowers desperately wished to have someone come and vis- it, meet them for lunch, or include them in a gathering, but to ask for such inclusion would be to admit a weakness, or so widowers think, resulting in self-imposed isolation. And just when you thought the widower was coming out of his grief journey, the world was beset by a pandemic, and the widower develops a bad case of Compound Isolation. Self-distancing becomes the mandate, preventing family and friends from visiting the ailing widower to comfort him, now forcing supporters to identify new ways to be there for him. I asked Dr. Deborah Carr, Chair of Boston University’s So- ciology Dept. to explore the topic of Compound Isolation: its risks and its remedies. Dr. Carr has dedicated the past twenty- years studying grief and the end of life issues, as well as how families can prepare together for the impending death of a loved one. Compound Isolation can be defined as that isolation caused by multiple sources, as in the case of a widower self-im- posing isolation following the death of a spouse, compounded from Compound Isolation? She replied, “Often when we’re feeling sad or lonely, we choose to make ourselves feel better. But sometimes the things that we choose to accomplish this are really harmful. So if we’re feeling really stressed out, doing something like yoga or deep breathing activities, or picking up a phone and calling someone, those are a productive way to deal with feelings of anxiety, loss, or isolation. For others, it might be something like drinking more than one did in the past or staying in bed all day because one is upset, which can lead to muscles atrophying. Another is eating comfort foods around the clock without the added bonus of going out and burning up those calories.” If a widower was to ignore the warning signs resulting from possible Compound Isolation, he could be creating even more significant problems for himself. “Without warning signs being observed, a widower is unable to discover what is harming him. If a man’s not going to work, there’s no one around to notice that there’s alcohol on his breath. If he’s not playing golf, there was no one there to see that he is looking disheveled and that there might be some depression underly- ing it. This state puts the burden on friends and family mem- bers to do a regular reach out, a Zoom call, even if they’re not asked to do so.” Let’s hope you have family and friends who are willing to serve. Invite them into your life. It not only will help them grieve the loss of your wife, but it will also help you during your grief journey. An extra effort is needed to avoid the dangers and risks associated with Compound Iso- lation. The first line of defense is the widower himself. Herb Knoll Working With Widowers by government-mandated isolation, i.e., social distancing. Dr. Carr pointed out how, in most families, the wife or the mom is considered the kin keeper. The woman tends to be the one historically who reaches out to others, who arranges Zoom meetings, birthday parties, etc. “Widowers have not only lost the love of their life and their health mate, but they’ve also lost their connection to the outside world.” “Men won’t reach out (even though they would be wise to do so) preferring people to approach them, and that’s hard to do today because there’s no normal social interaction.” They not only miss their family and friends, but they are also yearning for conversa- tion at their company’s water cooler, communication with team- mates during meetings, and over lunch with colleagues or clients. They attempt to interact with a clerk at the local Home Depot or Publix grocery store to fill the void that Compound Isolation creates, albeit when wearing a mask. “There’s no interaction with neighbors or his buddies when playing golf, said Dr. Carr. “Of- ten, men who are widowers, especially if they’re of a certain age, are grappling with health problems of their own. So, they also have to be really vigilant about not putting themselves at risk,” Carr added. “So even if they wanted to go out and see other peo- ple, some widowers might be hesitant to do so in-person because they were dealing with health symptoms of their own,” said Dr. Carr. Collectively, all of these forces are conspiring to keep wid- owers in their homes without social connections. Dr. Carr went on to say that there are a lot of dangers to Com- pound Isolation. The first is a widower’s physical health. Arrang- ing doctors’ visits and picking up needed medication can be eas- ily dismissed or postponed. Studies are showing that loneliness and social isolation, even in non-pandemic times, are linked with mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and heightened grief. Some health conditions like diabetes or heart disease can also occur. There may be no one around to make sure that a wid- ower is eating and sleeping and behaving in all those ways that helped us sustain our health. Dr. Carr pointed out, “The pandem- ic has created difficulties for everybody, including economic loss, job loss, and diminishing wealth, including investment wealth.” I asked Dr. Carr what to watch for if you find yourself suffering Fred Colby FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS www.nomispublications.com Monthly Columns online at Widower’s Journey offers information that can assist the friends and family of a widower as well as women who are dating a widower and who are eager to understand better what the widower has endured. Special Offer: 33% off Six-Packs! Write herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com The Widower’s Journey… Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss Following the death of his wife in 2008, Herb Knoll spent nine years researching the world of widowers, resulting in the release of The Widower’s Journey in 2017, which continues to earn five star reviews. Featuring the sage advice of 40 widowers and 15 sub- ject matter experts, Knoll breaks down barriers that block men during their journeys toward recovery. The Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widow- ers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb hosts the Wid- owers Journey Podcast, available on all podcast hosting services. Contact at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com. www.GBURNSLLC.com Funeral Vehicle  Accessories Landau Bars, Vehicle Nameplates, Bier Pins, & More Carriage announces Record Second Quarter Cora and the Corona: One Little Girl’s Journey in Quarantine ST. CATHERINES,ON— Cora and the Corona, is a true story of one lit- tle girl’s journey to heal- ing while in quarantine. It explores a young girl’s emotional reaction to her new life in quarantine. This story offers hope, support and friendship during a world pandem- ic. Cora and the Corona have drawn enormous at- tention from media, gov- ernment and supporters, world-wide, showing that one little girl’s story can make a difference. In or- der to support the over- whelming need of Cora and the Corona over 7500 hard copies have been donated to aid es- sential services, along with a free download- able colouring book copy that has been released worldwide, which can be downloaded by visiting www.robertspress.ca. Call 905-688-8009 for more information. HOUSTON,TX— Carriage Services, Inc . (NYSE: CSV) announced results for the second quarter and first half of 2020 ended June 30, 2020. Highlights included record revenue, historically high performance, and a raised Four Quarter Outlook. In ad- dition, the newly appointed president and COO Bill Goetz has resigned to seek a CEO role elsewhere, and Carlos Quezada has added his cemetery sales leadership to the Executive Team. Mel Payne , Chairman and CEO, stated, “Our record second quarter performance was produced amidst two once in a lifetime crises of a Coronavirus Pandemic togeth- er with a government economic shutdown of most of our economy with stay at home orders and strict limitations on individual behavior and social gatherings in most states. As we entered April after a weak ending to March because of the initial lockdowns and social restrictions, we expected an unknown degree of decline in our Total Revenue, EPS and Free Cash Flow that would likely have impaired our liquidity and financial flexibility. Yet we adapted quickly and were organizationally and financially determined to meet these operational challenges and not let these uncon- trollable events inhibit successful execution of our annual theme of Transformative High Performance. “It is ironic indeed that, in a traditional industry nor- mally resistant to change and especially technological change, our response to the adversity of a new and threat- ening harsh operating environment was to adapt in ways that have fundamentally enhanced our service and guest experience delivery and driven competitive differentia- tion for years to come.” Carriage Services also announced that its Board of Di- rectors on July 22, 2020 declared the quarterly dividend of 8.75¢ per share payable on September 1, 2020 to com- mon share record holders as of August 10, 2020. Carriage Services is a leading provider of funeral and cemetery services and merchandise in the United States. Carriage operates 183 funeral homes in 28 states and 32 cemeteries in 11 states.