August 2020

Page A8 AUGUST 2020 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A www. vischerfuneralsupplies.com FlozoneAir has over 16 years of combined experience in the death care industry and can provide a system that is proven to rid odors and pests including the pesky phorid fly. FLO2500 Air Purifier Cabinets are made of Aluminum and Powder Coated which Resist Rust Call Rainy Day Miller today for a free quote 352-329-1115 or visit us at www.MausoleumExperts.com FlozoneAir can be installed at the highest point blending with the interior. By Linda Findlay Aftercare little that would be a significant reminder of the baby. They may have some sonogram pictures or clothes or items that are bought in preparation of the baby. Maybe there are some spe- cial mementos but for the most part, there is not much. Mom is left with an empty crib and a hurting heart. There are many secondary losses after a baby dies. There is the loss of the future. The loss of hopes and dreams, the loss of never seeing the baby grow into the person they were meant to be-all of the milestones, birthday and should haves, the loss of innocence - babies are not supposed to die. During the child bearing years, friends and family members are all having ba- bies. The happy endings for others play a role in the ongoing anguish the parents feel-why did they lose their baby when everyone else is having healthy babies? Going to the grocery store can be extremely hard for a long time. There is no need to buy diapers or baby food! It is a very difficult time for parents who are on a path that would seem to be in the proper order of things, only to find themselves, stopped in their tracks fac- ing the raw reality that babies do die! Having other children at home, does not lessen the grief. The prospect of having another baby does not foster hope, it fosters terror. Moms and Dads experience pregnancy and infant loss very differently. Most times, Dad is in protection mode of Mom. He is most concerned with her well-being. But, Dads grieve too! Dads need support too. Imagine pushing the button for the elevator on the labor and delivery floor, stepping in- side among other new dads and being asked, “What did you have?”. I will leave that with a question mark, but, this is exact- ly what happened to my husband when we lost our baby. That happening for him is a vivid memory that is painful to this day. We lost our daughter 31 years ago. What can we do to help? First and foremost, no matter how far along a pregnancy or how long a child lives, the child is deserving of a name. Oftentimes, miscarried babies are never named. If the sex of the baby cannot be determined, moms have a feel for what they thought the baby may be-encourage parents to name their child. Choosing a name that is fitting for both sexes is an option to consider as well. Hopefully those who cared for the mom, while in the hospital or doctor’s office, will encourage the family to collect the smallest of memen- tos. Babies hand print or foot prints are always recommended, if possible. A hospital bracelet or a blanket that the baby was wrapped in and pictures are all items that a parent will cher- ish forever. Before cell phones, I had many funeral homes who donated a camera for the labor and delivery units in hospitals. If those cameras were not available, countless numbers of par- ents would have no pictures of their lost babies. I would also encourage funeral directors to ask permission to take pictures of the baby if that is an option. Taking a clipping of baby’s hair In the coming months, I will be sharing a series of articles that will speak to the different losses that families experience. I feel that it is important to be reminded of the specific as- pects of each loss that a family may experience so we can bet- ter serve their needs. I will also include what is unique to the specific loss and provide suggestions and resources that you can share with families. Although there are many common reactions that people experience while grieving, each loss is unique in that there are special considerations that are relative to that specific loss. The Loss of a Baby Pregnancy and infant loss is one of the most traumatic loss- es parents will experience. A majority of these losses are due to congenital malformations. According to the CDC, infant mortality for 2018 was 566.2 out of 100,000 births. Added to that are 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage prior to 20 weeks of gestation. That is a lot of loss and a lot of grief! Just in the fact that most babies die because of congenital malformations and many are lost to other reasons or un- known reasons, makes this loss a traumatic loss. Parents are faced with the trauma they experience over something that is so foreign, scary and unexplainable. Trauma is a deeply distressing experience. The mind and body respond to trau- ma in very distinct ways. In a traumatic situation, the “fight or flight” response gets triggered. The body is being flooded with hormones that signal danger alerts that tell you to fight or get out. The main goal under these circumstances isn’t recording the memory, it is to get to safe - ty. Please remember this when you are supporting grieving families, particularly for Mom. Mom’s body is already raging with pregnancy hormones! A unique circumstance that parents face as a result of these types of losses is that oftentimes, people assume that a preg- nancy is lost. It is hard to imagine a child that was never seen, once anticipated, now gone and consequently thought of as a pregnancy, not a baby. Mothers are left with very Linda Findlay is the founder of Mourning Discoveries, Grief Support Services. She is a 29-year career Aftercare Coordinator, a published author, and an advocate for bereaved families. She is the founder and co-creator of The Grief Cruises and managing partner with The International Grief Institute. Linda can be reached at 315-725-6132 or Lf6643@yahoo.com. Visit www.mourningdiscoveries.com, www.thegriefcruises.com or www.internationalgriefinstitute.com. FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS www.nomispublications.com Monthly Columns online at and giving it to the parents is usually a welcome gesture. Allowing parents to dress their baby and hold their baby should be offered. Memorial parks can be found in most communities. Suggesting a place to memorialize a mis- carried baby, because of no burial, will provide a place for parents to “visit” their baby. If the baby does not have a birth certificate, consider providing a “Certificate of Life” for the baby, using the babies name whenever possible. Some additional suggestions for what to say, or not to say include: Never say you can have more children, you have children at home to love, you are young, this wasn’t meant to be, your baby is in a better place or you have an angel in Heaven. Please, NEVER mention the stages of grief. Parents who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn death, or SIDS, need very different resources that are specific for these types of loss. The best resources can be found on the national SHARE-Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support website at: http://nationalshare.org / Check out their website and see what resources you can consider having on hand. I assure you that their resources are the best anywhere. Find out if there is a local chapter of SHARE in your community. They also have online support chats that parents find to be helpful. Being the person who shares these quality resources will show your awareness of the uniqueness of these types of losses and your sensitivity to the special needs of parents. Please remember that parents who experience pregnancy and infant loss should not be provided with information about preneed. I have had too many clients who have wanted these types of material sent, only to receive a phone call from the family telling me that the material was not appropriate. The amount of time that a child lives from conception to birth and beyond, does not determine the depth of grief. The more support and resources that are provided, the better parents will be equipped to deal with their loss in healthy ways. Most importantly, you will be provid- ing them with hope for a better outcome when next time comes along. Windows Into Loss… Market Research by MKJ Marketing Too Many Brand Names? Consider an Umbrella Brand. © 2020 MKJ Marketing 1-888-MKJ-1566 www.mkjmarketing.com Glenn Gould CEO, MKJ Marketing Announcing Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s Fall 2020 Speaking Schedule FORT COLLINS,CO— The Center for Loss and Life Transition has announced the locations of Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s 2020 Fall edu- cational workshops. The content of these work- shops helps participants understand their own grief, how to companion oth- ers in their grief, and the significance of how when words are inadequate have meaningful ceremonies. Sponsors include hospic- es, hospitals, universities, funeral homes, and a va- riety of community agen- cies. New workshops in- clude “Understanding Grief After a Drug-Over- dose Death: A ‘Compan- ioning’ Model of Caregiv- ing” and “Understanding Grief Overload: Practices and Principles.” The locations are as fol- lows: September 1-2, Madison, WI; Septem- ber 17-18, Denver, CO; September 21, Fort Col- lins, CO; September 22- 23, Orlando, FL; Septem- ber 23-24, Mobile, AL; September 24-25, Baton Rouge, LA; September 29- 30, Troy, MI; Sept 30-Oct 1, Port Huron, MI; Oc- tober 13-14, St. Charles, MO; October 15, Palm Harbor, FL; October 20- 22, Cedar Rapids, IA; Oc- tober 27-28, Cambridge, ON; October 28-29, To- ronto, ON; October 29- 30, London, ON; No- vember 5, Las Vegas, NV; November 17-18, Nash- ville, TN; November 19- 20, Coeur d’Alene, ID; November 23-24, Calgary, AB; and November 24-25, Edmonton, AB. Dr. Alan Wolfelt has been recognized as one of North America’s leading death educators and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. He founded the Center for Loss and Life Transition in 1984 to offer educa- tion and support both to grievers and bereavement caregivers. He is known around the world for his compassionate messag- es of hope and healing as well as his companion- ing philosophy of grief care. Dr. Wolfelt speaks on grief-related topics, offers trainings for care- givers, and has written many bestselling books and other resources on grief for both caregivers and grieving people. For more information, call 970-226-6050, info@ centerforloss.com or visit www.centerforloss.com. L i k e Us On Facebook! FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS Tell them you saw their Ad