August 2020

Page A20 AUGUST 2020 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS S ec t i on A The opportunity to choose a Keepsake Pendant presents itself only once. The comfort a Keepsake Pendant offers, lasts a lifetime. TM www.madelynpedants.com e-mail orders@madelynco.com 800-788-0807 Fax 608-752-3683 call about monthly specials or visit ourwebsite Known for quality materials and craftsmanship, Madelyn Co. Keepsake Pendants are hand made using jewelry-grade metals. Sterling Silver Feather Antique Pewter Rose w/ Pearl Sterling Silver FishHook August:Layout 1 7/14/20 9:20 AM Page 1 I Don’t Know Everything! By Fred Colby, Author And… more than likely, neither do any of the widowers who come to you for help. One of the biggest shocks upon entering deep grieving as a widower is the realization of how ill-prepared we are to deal with it…much less survive it! And yet, widowers will often say things like: • “I don’t need any help,” or • “No one can help me,” or • “No book, article, or blog can tell me what I need to know to get through this.” Often, when one digs deeper, you find that these widow- ers are in just as much pain and are just as lost as the rest of the widowers you serve. The only difference is that they have a harder time admitting it, and just want to be left alone. I know because I too felt that way for a while. They might also say, “Time alone can heal me.” Does anyone honestly believe that if a widower just self-isolates in their home, that time will heal them all by itself? Or do they need something more, like: • Human contact • Love and support from family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors • Grief therapy or counseling • Men’s grief group support • Hearing the experiences of fellow widowers who sur- vived this experience • Activities, exercise, and projects to help them reengage with life • Opportunities to share their and their wife’s story learn from the experiences of others, and that there just may be a viable and healthy future for them. As one who serves them during their most challenging time, you can help them tremendously by caring and be- ing willing to share articles, books, websites, and more with them… even though they keep saying, “I am fine” when clearly they are not. You can also share the following link to books, blogs and resources designed to help every widower to find answers and support: https://www.fredcolby.com/ Herb Knoll Working With Widowers Time, together with some or all these things can help them heal. But if they just hunker down and wait for time to heal them, they will likely be disappointed. To grieve is a verb, not a noun. It is active, not stationary. If they don’t process (an- other verb) their grief, they are stagnant in their grief and may have difficulty extricating themselves from it. I have spoken with dozens of widowers who find themselves stuck in their grief 3, 5, and even 10 years after losing their spouse. Grieving is an act of loving, remembering, and honoring the one they lost. The more they do all three of these active parts of grieving, the faster and better they are apt to heal. That is not to say that they should all do it the same way or at the same pace. On the contrary, their unique grieving ex- perience is what makes it so special to each of them. It is pain- ful, at times life threatening, and often seems unending; but the fact that they do emerge from it, makes it another one of those AFGO (Another F****** Growing Opportunity) life experiences that makes each of us who we are going forward. If widowers had long loving relationships with their special wives, they know that their wives would want them to grow and become even better men, rather than want them to sit at home moping about and wallowing in their grief. There is a time for that part of grieving, but it is not intend- ed to be an ongoing permanent state of mind. If it becomes that, their ability to heal is greatly diminished. So, do not fall into the trap of thinking that a widower knows all the answers and what is always best for them. Help them to open their mind to other possibilities. Help them to accept that others may be able to help them, that they can Fred Colby Losing a loved one was not something new to Fred Colby. However, the death of his father and stepfather at a young age did not pre- pare Fred for the pain and emotional turmoil he suffered when his wife of 42 years, Theresa, died after a yearlong bout with uterine cancer. His therapist challenged him to put his grief and lessons- learned into words to help others going through the same hell- on-earth experience. Though he has extensive professional writing experience, Widower to Widower is his first book. For more infor- mation, go to www.fredcolby.com. FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS www.nomispublications.com Monthly Columns online at him to group meetings, individual counseling sessions, writings by fellow widowers, and discussions resulting from happenstance meetings with fellow travelers on the grief journey. Special Offer: 33% off Six-Packs! Visit https://www.fredcolby.com/buy-books/order -6-pak-for-groups Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship Fred Colby's first book blends blogs he wrote be- fore, during and after his wife's passing, together with his research, observations, and experiences during the first year of grieving her loss. The book is in part a result of his frustration with the lack of other in-depth or quality materials available to help fellow widowers. His search for answers took Funeral Supply Store 1-800-392-2936 • www.funeralsupplystore.com Scissor Lift $5,395 FREE SHIPPING! Magnum Mortuary Cot $1,495 00 1,000 lb. Capacity FREE SHIPPING! Dressing Table $895 00 Elite Mortuary Cot $995 00 600 lb. Capacity Shipping $200 Junkin MC-100A Cot 650 lb. Capacity $1,711 20 tional Funeral Directors Association, a $200,000 funding allocation from the Fu- neral Service Foundation, and a $100,000 matching gift from Homesteaders Life Company. More than 100 donors – indi- viduals, businesses, foundations and orga- nizations – doubled their impact through Homesteader’s matching gift. Gifts made to COVID-19 Crisis Re- sponse Fund through June 30 were available for immediate grant making. After June 30, grant applicants may ap- ply for funding via standard Foundation granting channels. The Funeral Service Foundation will continue to listen to and assess the profession’s needs and re- spond accordingly. Prospective grantees can visit FuneralServiceFoundation.org for information about the application process. Gifts can be made online at FuneralSer- viceFoundation.org. Those interested in supporting may also send checks, made payable to the Funeral Service Foundation to the FSF COVID-19 Crisis Response Fund, 13625 Bishop’s Drive, Brookfield, WI 53005, or call 1-877-402-5900 to make a gift by phone. Since 1945, the Funeral Service Foun- dation has served as the profession’s phil- anthropic voice. As the charitable arm of the National Funeral Directors Associa- tion since 1997, the Foundation receives operational support from NFDA and donors across the profession to help ad- vance its mission to support funeral ser- vice in building meaningful relationships with the families and the communities it serves. Visit FuneralServiceFoundation. org to learn more. COVID-19 Response Fund Continued from Page A19