July 2021

Page A8 JULY 2021 FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS Se c t i on A >>>> Innovative. Adaptive. Effective. Trusted. EXPERIENCE THE See how we can help at wi thum. com/why-wi thum WITHUM WAY By Linda Findlay Aftercare think it is important to continue to remind families that tak- ing care of themselves is not selfish. Often people are so used to taking care of others, they feel a sense of awkwardness when it comes to taking care of themselves. Self-care goes hand in hand with healthy coping skills. I suggest that people continue to share what they are feeling and how their grief is affecting them. When we stop sharing, people tend to stop asking. When peo- ple stop asking, life seems to get back to normal for everyone else. Life does not go back to normal for those who grieve. Not the normal that was before the loss. Keeping family and friends close and including them in the grief journey, only helps them to be able to be more supportive. People just don’t know what to do or what to say. Generally, people want to help, they just don’t know how. Keeping them around and not shutting them out is best. How long will my grief last? This is another question where I admittingly say, “I wish I had that answer, but I do not.”. When people are hurting, they want to know how long they will hurt. The same holds true if any one of use has a physical injury. We want to know how long it will be before we will heal and return to normal functions. It is no different with grief. Grief hurts so bad and effects so much of a part of life, it is hard to see that it can ever be easier. Everyone grieves in a way that is unique to them. There are some com- mon experiences shared but, each person grieves for what they have lost-and so much more. I can’t judge or predict how long any one person will grieve with a heavy heart. I do know that the grief gets easier and the heaviness lessens. I tell people that as long as they want to feel better, that is sign of HOPE. I find that most people want to feel better. Working towards that is what grief work is all about. It does amaze me how when some- one shares their different reactions to loss, they stop in their tracks when I say, “This is what grief work is all about”. I think they get it! Grief is hard work! I tell them that what they are sharing with me is what their grief journey is! I tell people that I wish I can tell them how long they will feel the acute reactions to loss, but, I can’t. I encourage them to allow themselves to ex- plore and think about what they need to think about for as long as they have a need. It most cases, people do not actively grieve for a lifetime. People don’t actively grieve every second of every day-nobody would survive that. Linda Findlay is the founder of Mourning Discoveries, Grief Support Services. She is a 29-year career Aftercare Coordinator, a published author, and an advocate for bereaved families. She is the founder and co-creator of The Grief Cruises and managing partner with The International Grief Institute. Linda can be reached at 315-725-6132 or Lf6643@yahoo.com. Visit www.mourningdiscoveries.com , www.thegriefcruises.com or www.internationalgriefinstitute.com. FUNERAL HOME & CEMETERY NEWS www.nomispublications.com Monthly Columns online at I worked with a bereaved dad 15 years ago following the loss of his 20-year-old son. I talked to him for a very long time and have remained a friend to this day. I kept up with him on social media and always found time to check in every once in a while. This past December, he lost his only surviving daughter. I am blessed to still work for the same funeral home, so he was, once again, referred to me for aftercare. I was devastated upon learn- ing about the loss of his 45-year-old daughter. I knew that I had to call him right away! My words were few on that first call. But, when he answered his phone, he knew it was me and said, “I need you again!”. During my first conversation with him, he told me that he remembered how I told him, so many years ago, that his thoughts were his to think about and that most others would tell him not to put himself through the “bad” thoughts. He remembered that I told him that I would tell him different- ly. He said that “advice” has served him well. When we grieve, so many thoughts go through our heads. Friends and family sometimes think it best to tell the person to not think like that, to move on, to get over it, you have noth- ing to regret or feel guilty about. Well, I say differently when I talk to families. I tell them that is perfectly okay to go over and over in their heads what they “need” to think. It is not a bad thing. As long as they are not hurting themselves or others, it is okay to allow yourself to “think” about what you need to think about, as painful and as awful as it may be. I believe that a per- son will do just that for as long as they need to and that they will, in their own time, “resolve” the thoughts to the point of not having them so often and deeply. Grief is grief! We are not taught about what grief is anywhere in life. But, grief will hit each one of us during our lifetime! There are many more ques- tions that people ask while grieving. I think it is good to ask questions and seek answers. If you are following up with fami- lies after their loss, you will have an opportunity to provide a safe space for your families to share their thoughts and ques- tions too. I consider it a true blessing to walk with grieving families. I don’t have answers. I have all of the experiences that are shared with me by others who have walked the road of grief to help me support the newly bereaved. It is my greatest honor to be entrusted with the care of bereaved families through the funeral homes that I work for. Not a day goes by that I am not deeply grateful. Questions that Grieving Families Share Having worked with grieving families so many years, I wanted to share a couple of common questions that I am asked. Maybe some of what I share will help you in your conversations with the families that you serve. I have a set schedule of when I call families to check in on them. I usually don’t call until at least one month past the date of death. Within that first month, families are working on taking care of the most urgent needs that they are faced with in the wake of the loss of their loved one. Usually, the people who can support them are there, present and actively helping with the tasks at hand. During the first month, families have the task of be- ginning the process of settling an estate. Questions are plentiful during this time. Providing information and re- sources is helpful. Most funeral home websites have a sec- tion that includes guidance and helpful links. Here are a couple of common questions that I am asked: What do I do now? This is a loaded question. The “what” can be the pieces that involve settling an estate. The “what” often means, “what am I going to do now that my loved one has died”. When a family asks me that question, I try to clarify what it is they are referring to. When it comes to mat- ters of settling an estate, I always provide resources that are typically easy to find, but when someone is grieving, they just don’t know where to begin. With the internet, just about everything that is needed can be found on- line. Again, though, when people are grieving, they do not have the band width to absorb much information, nor do they have the ability to concentrate and organize their thoughts. I have often suggested that creating a list may be helpful. The items first on the list should be the most important. Keeping a list can help with feeling in control. Thoughts can get carried away in so many dif- ferent directions. Lists can help to organize the thoughts and provide a reference! As for the second meaning of the question, this is where my conversation begins that di- rectly deals with grief. Of course, I don’t know how the person will go on. I so much as tell families that I wish I had an answer for them but that I do not. First, I encour- age families to take care of themselves and their needs. I Scan QR for our website 1-888-792-9315 • mymortuarycooler.com Mortuary Coolers starting at $4,499 Price increase coming in September! starting at BUTLER,KY— Chris Kuhnen, an Edgewood, KY na- tive and Kentucky licensed funeral director, recently joined the staff at Peoples Funeral Home as a Pre-Plan- ning Specialist. Kuhnen will be directly responsible for assisting families with all their funeral, cremation, memorial, and final dis- position advance planning needs. Additionally, Kuhnen will guide and direct the firm’s community speaker’s bu- reau and aftercare programs. Kuhnen recently retired from the Unity Financial Life Insurance Company, headquartered in Cincinnati, OH, where he served as vice president of marketing. Previously in his distinguished career he served as a guiding leadership executive with a nationally acclaimed funeral prearrange- ment sales and marketing company and as a funeral direc- tor/pre-need sales director for a Greater Cincinnati/North- ern Kentucky family owned and operated funeral home. According to John W. Peoples, owner and funeral di- rector, Peoples Funeral Home, “From a professional and personal point of view, we are honored to have Chris on our team. He is nationally known and recognized as one of the preeminent advance planning specialists in the country. We, and the families we serve, are fortunate to have him assisting us.” Kuhnen stated, “I’m extremely proud to be associated with this quality, upstanding locally owned and operated funeral home. Their impeccable reputation and profession- al, sincere and caring approach with all families is some- thing I deeply appreciate, admire and fully support!” Peoples Funeral Home is a full-service funeral home of- fering Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky families complete funeral, cremation, memorial, and final dispo- sition services. They have two area locations to serve fam- ilies in Butler and Falmouth, KY. For more information contact Peoples Funeral Home at 859-472-7811 or visit www.peoplesfuneralhomes.com. Chris Kuhnen joins the Staff of Peoples Funeral Home (L to R) John Peoples, Chris Kuhnen, Jonathon Peoples L i k e Us On Facebook!